A Trip to Ulta: Advice for Men

A Trip To ULTA: Advice For Men

It all starts with a question… “Do you want to come?”, she asks you as she readies her gear for departure. Yes or no…those are the options and the chances are...you are going to say, “Yes.”, in response. Because why not? The thoughts of nonchalentedness…is that a word? Probably not, but basically what I mean is that you really, truly, don’t give a shit...and will accompany her in all her ventures, even this one. Thoughts such as, “…this can’t be too bad...it’s just one small trip…shouldn’t take more than five or ten minutes, right?…” course through the expanses of your mind as you prepare for what will end up being the journey of a lifetime.

The both of you hop in the car and she floors it all the way there, running red lights and stopping for nobody for fear that you will get cold feet and throw yourself onto the highway to escape from her clutches. Your girlfriend, or boyfriend I don’t judge…parks the car and steps out from the driver seat. You follow her, hand in hand as she leads you to the store she’s been dying to take you to since the two of you started dating.

“After you, my love.”, you say as you tip your imaginary hat and bow at the waist, opening the door for her to pass unabated by the heavy piece of metal. And you are a gentleman of course, so you allow the 30 other girls behind her to pass into the abyss as well. When the stream of shoppers has passed and you are finally allowed to enter, you are immediately hit with a wave of floral scents and perfume and blinded by the bright colors that flash and sparkle in the light…ULTA. The store you know absolutely nothing about, and that’s why I’m here…to not only help you through this difficult and strenuous experience, but also to help you earn some brownie points in the process.

Trust me when I say that EVERY instinct in your body will tell you to run and hide, but I promise it is worth sticking out. Stay by your girlfriend and pick up random things while she’s looking. Inspect them. Remember them. Learn them. Show them to her, she will enjoy this. She will enjoy your pure lack of knowledge of the item. Plus, the more things you show her, the more likely it is that she will like one of them and thank you for finding it.

Think of it like a game. Pull on your knowledge of your girlfriend’s preferences, in not only color, but sparkle as well. Recall the names of items you see her using when you are getting ready for a night on the town. Be obnoxious about it, honestly. I’m serious. Be over the top thrilled about the experience and mess with things on the display as if you were a kid in a toy store. This will make her laugh, but the most important reason you must be this way is to keep the ravenous employees away from her. Their sole purpose is to find her color even though she probably already knows her color and would most likely do a better job of it herself even if she didn’t know exactly the perfect shade.

Hold her things and don’t drop any of them!…there is a severe lack of shopping baskets, so you must figure out a way to manage. And seriously!...Don’t even THINK about dropping anything! The slightest impact will knock a pallet to smithereens and now you are out 50 dollars because you thought you could flip it behind your back and catch it in your mouth…which, by the way, is impossible. But another reason to hold the items she is considering, is that the more items you hold for her, the less time you will spend in this store of a million colors.

AND I CAN’T EMPHASIZE THIS ENOUGH!

Read the names!

What’s that I hear? You don’t want to?

I don’t care!

“But why!?”, you ask yourself as you sit there pondering why I so vehemently want you to just trust me and read the damn things…

And here's why:

Names such as “Luscious Lids” and “Seductive Glance” will appear on the labels of certain eyeliners. Read them out loud…sexily. Maybe she’s into that; you never know until you try. And don’t even worry about the other people in the store as you say these things because they’re going to be staring into your soul the entire duration of your venture anyways; each and every one of them jealous of your girlfriend who has a man willing to accompany her into such a place…braving the perils of precarious lipstick towers and damaging UV rays from the many sparkles throughout.

Psst…the more embarrassing you are, the quicker she’ll want to leave…

Oh and one last thing…I won’t tell you where they are…because that would take the fun out of finding them yourself, but you must find the chocolate pallets and the other sweet smelling makeups. Honestly, taste them too if you really want to; they smell delicious. I don’t think they’re edible, but you never know until you try it! Next time I go that's the first thing I'm doing...might even bring a spoon.

And that's that.

Now that the economy is opening back up and these stores are allowing people to shop within, this newfound knowledge will prove even more helpful to those with girlfriends chomping at the bit to spend some of their cold hard cash on makeup pallets and eyeliner.

If you are still confused, read this guide again, for it is to be used as an instructional manual for survival; A Trip to Ulta is your mission, should you choose to accept it…Good luck and God speed.